


Why Do We Sleep When We Want To Hide?

by bright_lights_big_dreams



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bellarke, Clarke is having a depressive episode and Bellamy tries to help, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Forehead Kisses, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Illness, Roommates, Title from Monsters - All Time Low, kind of, that is literally the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23602927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright_lights_big_dreams/pseuds/bright_lights_big_dreams
Summary: However much she sleeps when she gets like this, she never feels well-rested. Each time she wakes up her eyes seem to feel heavier and her head feels fuzzier and all she wants is to fall back into the comforting nothingness of unconsciousness. When she’s been asleep so long that it’s impossible to sleep anymore, she just lays in her bed and stares at the ceiling, or maybe even the wall if she wants a change.-Clarke falls into a depressive episode, and she can't seem to get out of it on her own this time.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 98





	Why Do We Sleep When We Want To Hide?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic obviously deals with a lot of heavy depression and disassociation, so please be aware if that could possibly trigger you. Thank you and I hope you like this.

Clarke had tried. She really had. She had tried to ignore the familiar cloud that had popped up out of nowhere once again and started following her around. She really had tried to push it away, to push through it. She had kept going to classes and seeing her friends and acting like everything was normal but it was just getting heavier and heavier and she was exhausted. So, she had given in. She really hadn’t meant to, but she had woken up one morning with the intention of going to class and she just couldn’t. Getting out of bed would have needed energy that she did not have, so she rolled over and went back to sleep.

It was only supposed to be one day, she had been so tired and all she needed to do was let herself rest for one day, spend just one day in bed and she would wake up tomorrow and go to into university and everything would be fine. She doesn’t even know why she even tried to convince herself. She felt worse waking up the next day, like she was being held down, getting out of bed didn’t cross her mind. She just needed to sleep, just one more day and she’d be better again. She sends a quick message to a couple of her friends in her class, telling them she’s unwell and asking if they’d be able to give her a copy of their notes from the last couple of classes and however many she misses while she’s recovering. They say yes of course, and offer to come around and bring anything else she needed and of course she replies with a thanks but no thanks. Seeing people was the last thing she wanted. Then she sleeps again.

However much she sleeps when she gets like this, she never feels well-rested. Each time she wakes up her eyes seem to feel heavier and her head feels fuzzier and all she wants is to fall back into the comforting nothingness of unconsciousness. When she’s been asleep so long that it’s impossible to sleep anymore, she just lays in her bed and stares at the ceiling, or maybe even the wall if she wants a change.

It’s those times that are the worst. When she’s awake but she can’t do anything and she knows she’s wasting time and that there’s so much she should be doing but it’s all too much and she really can’t. She tries to remember the last time she was this bad. It’s been a while, definitely not since she’s been living with Bellamy, so that’s over a year. Bellamy’s the reason why she’s been doing so well.

He knows her, knows when it’s all getting too much and what he needs to do to help and he’s so good to her. He’s visiting his little sister at the moment, spending two weeks at her house which is why he isn’t here. She misses him. Their relationship is strange. They’re best friends, definitely. And they fuck sometimes. And she definitely loves him and she knows that he loves her but she’s not sure if either of them love each other like _that _, not that it really matters. They’re each other’s person, that’s what they say. He makes her happy, or as happy as she can be.__

__She needs to have herself out of this by the time he’s home. She doesn’t want to disappoint him. Just one more day and she’ll do it. She will._ _

__She doesn’t. She’s not sure what day it is anymore. Her phone died at some point and she can’t be bothered to put it on charge. It’s not like she’s using it at the moment anyway. She just lies in bed, only leaving her room to go to the toilet or grab something to eat when she remembers. She doesn’t cook, but she has enough random food in her cupboards to get by. Bellamy would be mad if he knew she wasn’t eating properly, but she can’t really bring herself to care, she just wants to be in bed all the time. It’s like there’s this invisible force crushing her into the mattress and each time she closes her eyes she tells herself that the next time she opens them will be different and she’ll feel better but she never does._ _

__It is different at one point though, and that’s because she’s being shaken awake rather than having to drag her eyes open when she can’t keep them shut any longer. She’s confused for a moment, disorientated, but then her eyes focus on Bellamy. He looks worried._ _

__“Bell,” she sits up, shaking her head a little. He’s turned the light on and it’s been a while since it’s been on. Her vision is a bit blurry. “I thought you wouldn’t be back until Saturday.”_ _

__He sighs, “It _is _Saturday, Princess.”___ _

____“Oh.” Has it really been that long already? She doesn’t really know what else to say._ _ _ _

____“Clarke,” One of Bellamy’s hands is resting on her shoulder, but he’s not got any weight behind it, like she’s fragile and he’s scared he’s going to break her, “Why didn’t you talk to me?”_ _ _ _

____She considers trying to lie her way out of this, trying to convince him that she’s not as bad as she looks and she didn’t really _need _to talk to him but then she glances around her room and actually sees what it looks like. There are dirty clothes, used plates and empty food packets everywhere. She knows it must smell too, and that she probably does as well. She can’t remember the last time she showered, or when it actually was that she put on this baggy top and sleep shorts; it was probably one of those first days when she was trying to convince herself that she was still okay and would be waking up as normal in the morning. Her brain isn’t working anyway, she wouldn’t be able to come up with a convincing lie even if she tried, so, she’s honest. Kind of. “My phone died.”___ _ _ _

______“And you couldn’t charge it?” It’s not really a question, it comes out of his mouth more like a statement. Clarke just shrugs, and Bellamy just keeps watching her._ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s too much. The way Bellamy is touching her and the way he’s looking at her. The expression in his eyes is so _deep _and her mind is too murky to even try and comprehend it. So, she does what she does best. “I’m tired Bell, I need to sleep.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________He opens his mouth to speak but she interrupts, “ _Please _, Bell.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nods. Pulling her duvet over her as she lies back down, and placing a soft kiss to her forehead. “Sleep well, Princess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She closes her eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The next time Clarke wakes up things are different again. Her room is tidy, for one. There’s no more dirty clothes or plates or rubbish and its light again, but this time it’s because the blinds are open and the sun’s shining in through the open window which is letting some much-needed air into the room. Bellamy must have tidied while she slept. He’s always been good at being quiet when he needs to be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________There’s a fresh glass of water on her bedside table and her phone is charging next to it. She drinks the water, and considers turning her phone on but she doesn’t want to know what’s on there yet so she ignores it for now, opting instead to go to the bathroom. While she’s sitting on the toilet, she listens to Bellamy cooking in the kitchen. She can smell whatever he’s making and her stomach rumbles. She isn’t sure when she last ate a proper meal. She brushes her teeth. Another thing she can’t quite remember when she last actually did. She looks at the shower but she’s not ready for that yet. She does wash her face though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________By the time she’s finished in the bathroom she’s tired again, ready to retreat back to her bed and wait for Bellamy to inevitably come and get her when he’s done cooking, but he’s already waiting outside the bathroom door when she opens it. She should have known he’d be listening out for her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. I’m making spaghetti bolognese.” He tells her, placing his hands on her shoulders and walking her to the kitchen table, pretty much pushing her down into a seat. She doesn’t have the energy to fight him, knows that she probably wouldn’t win anyway and honestly, real food seems really appealing right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He heads back to the stove and starts stirring something in one of the pots, and not deterred by the fact she didn’t respond he keeps talking, telling her about his visit to Octavia and what they did and her new boyfriend Lincoln who he thinks is slightly terrifying but also treats his sister like she shits out gold so he’s okay with it. By the time he’s finished telling her about his last two weeks the food is ready and placed on a plate in front of her whilst Bellamy sits down with his own plate opposite her. They sit in silence while they eat. However hungry Clarke was feeling when she first smelt the food, she can only manage to eat about half of it before the knot in the pit of her stomach takes over and she feel sick rather than hungry, but Bellamy doesn’t mind. He just finishes off his own plate and starts tidying. Clarke wants to help, wants to be able to get up and help him clean but she’s still so tired and her brain still feels jammed so she just sits, head resting on her arms as she watches him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She doesn’t deserve him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She spaces out at some point, only coming back to herself when Bellamy begins to talk again. He’s sitting next to her this time. “I did a food shop after I cleaned your room.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She lifts her head off her arms. She was supposed to do a food shop before he came home, but his tone isn’t accusatory at all, she knows he’s just trying to get her to talk. “I didn’t get round to it, sorry,” she says and she knows it’s stupid because they both know exactly what she’s been doing instead, “Thanks for doing that.” She adds on as an afterthought, remembering how to be polite for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He reaches a hand out to hers on the table, his big hand resting over her small one. “I spoke to Jasper and Monty. They said you haven’t been to class in a while, that you said you were sick.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She should’ve known he would speak to Jasper and Monty. “Yeah,” her voice still feels croaky from lack of use, “I…wasn’t feeling up to it.” She doesn’t know why she’s saying it when he already knows._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s looking at her with his kind eyes and lovely face, concern and adoration etched in his features. She hates when he looks at her like that. Hates that he still looks at her like she makes the sun shine even when she’s made up of nothing but storm clouds and darkness. Hates that he thinks she’s worth it. He always has too much faith in her and she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to give him back what he needs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Did something happen?” He asks, voice soft, eyes still focused fully on her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No. I just – Everything was a lot and then suddenly it was too much. I tried to push through it, I really did. I was just so tired.” She hears her voice crack; she thinks she might cry soon but she doesn’t feel particularly sad. She gave up on understanding her emotions a long time ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Bellamy squeezes her hand, “You should have called me, Princess. Talked to me, talked to someone. You know I would have come home early if you needed me.” His gaze is so intense and focused fully on her. She breaks the eye contact, unable to deal with how much _emotion _shows on his face.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know, but, I just,” She tries to put the words together in her brain but it’s still so muddled and nothing she comes up with can accurately represent the reason why she didn’t talk to him. She’s not even sure she knows why she didn’t, so she settles on the only thing she can say, “I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You don’t need to apologise, Clarke. You just need to remember that you don’t have to do this on your own anymore. I want to be here for you, Princess. You’re my person, remember, and I’m yours.” Bellamy says and she just can’t deal with how _nice _he is and how he always seems to know what to say and her mind is too foggy to process his kindness right now so she cries.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s not dramatic crying or sobbing, just a couple of quiet tears that she can’t seem to stop. Sometimes she hates how he makes her feel things, but she guesses she likes it more. He lifts his hands to her face, holding it in his hands and wiping away the tears on her cheeks with his calloused thumbs before leaning down and placing a soft kiss to the crown of her head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Then he pulls away and looks her in the eyes again, hands still holding her head. “I’m not being rude Clarke, but I think you need to shower.” He says it with a teasing note to this voice and she actually laughs. It’s a watery, weak giggle but it happens and his face cracks into an enormous smile when it does, happy that he could make her happy even if it only was for a couple of seconds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yeah a shower would be good.” Clarke agrees, regretting the words as soon as they come out of her mouth because, even though she’s comfortable with her head in Bellamy’s hands right now, the idea of doing pretty much anything else is still impossible._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Bellamy’s still smiling though, and he tells her he’ll change her bed sheets so there’s a fresh set on when she’s finished in the bathroom and then he’s off to her room to continue being helpful and amazing. She doesn’t want to let him down, so she drags herself to the bathroom and pulls off her clothes and gets in the shower and she’s getting through it and it’s okay until it isn’t. The weight on her body gets inexplicably heavier as she stands under the hot water streaming from the shower and she just needs to sit for a while._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She stares at the mirror on the wall whilst she sits in the tub, blinking water out of her eyes and watching as the glass gets taken over by steam and her reflection becomes blurred and impossible to make out. Still, she sits under the water until the skin on her fingers shrivel up, watching the patterns that swirl in the steam that’s filling the room. She forgot to turn the fan on. The idea of standing up doesn’t cross her mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The knock on the bathroom door makes her jump. It’s loud and Bellamy is calling her name through the door, asking if she’s okay and he sounds slightly panicked. Maybe he’d been knocking for a while. Sometimes she didn’t hear things when she got like this. She opened her mouth to say she was okay but no sound came out, so she closed it again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m coming in Clarke. If you don’t want me to, say something.” He calls through the door. She still doesn’t say anything. It’s not like he hasn’t seen her naked before. She’s still too focused on watching the steam to really process anything else anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She turns her head when the door opens and the movement shakes her out of whatever headspace she just got stuck in, but it still takes a while for her brain to lock in with the present. She keeps her eyes trained on Bellamy as he makes his way across the bathroom and switches the shower off. He’s looking at her as well, brown eyes filled with worry._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Can you stand up?” He still sounds so kind. She doesn’t know how he’s not tired of her yet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Can she stand up? She thinks she probably could if she had to but that thought doesn’t seem to be connecting to her legs right now so she shakes her head. It doesn’t seem to faze Bellamy, he just reaches his arms out and lifts her out the tub, not caring that he was getting his own clothes wet. He sits her down on the edge of the tub, wrapping a towel around her shoulders and kissing her head before crouching down so his face is at the same level as hers, his hands resting on her thighs. She likes it. She feels more real when he touches her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Are you good, Princess? I need you to answer me properly.” His voice is soft._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yeah, Bell. I’m good. I just got…tired.” Her voice is not soft. Her voice feels wrong coming out of her mouth and she doesn’t like how it sounds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yeah. It’s been a long day. Getting some sleep is a good idea. We can talk more tomorrow.” Bellamy responds and she’s so thankful he doesn’t want to talk anymore right now. But then he takes his hands off her legs and she’s not so thankful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Can I sleep with you tonight? In your bed?” The words are out her mouth before she’d really even considered them, she was just sure that she didn’t want to stop touching him yet. He was like an anchor, holding her in reality, not letting her drift away as long as he was close._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She thinks he was expecting it because his face doesn’t change at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Whatever you want, Princess.” He assures her and then he lifts her up again, this time carrying her to his room and setting her down on the bed. He finds her one of his shirts to sleep in and pulls it over her head for her. He grabs a towel and gives her hair a quick dry, making sure he’s not pulling too hard, being so careful. When he’s done, he gets himself ready for bed as Clarke gets under the duvet, so close to being able to let her heavy eyes shut. He climbs into bed next to her, and wraps his arms around her, holding her close to his chest as he places another kiss on her forehead. She likes when he does that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Clarke finally lets her eyes shut._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When she wakes up the next morning Bellamy’s arms are still wrapped around her, and although her limbs still feel heavy and her brain is still foggy, she thinks she might be feeling a little bit better._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> It goes without saying that mental illness effects every person differently and I've written this in a way that may be accurate for some people but inaccurate to others. Nothing I have written is an attempt to make anyone feel at all uncomfortable.  
> Thank you for reading.


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